BUILDING CAPACITY OR MARA FOR TEA

In Mindfulness Practice and Somatic Therapy Models, a primary goal is building capacity. 

What does that mean?

I see building capacity as the ability to BE with our experience, whatever our experience is. 

Often this relates to growing our ability to be with difficult experiences. Our natural response to difficulty, physical discomfort or pain, is generally to pull away. 

Aversion. 

Aversion is the way we add to the direct discomfort through our process of rejecting, judging, pulling away:

“I hate this, Why is this happening, what does it mean, what can I do, it shouldn’t be this way, what’s wrong with me, I deserve this, I don’t deserve this…”

All of this, while perfectly natural, it just seems to be what our mind tends to do, ultimately doesn’t seem to help. In fact it tends to make things worse. While it’s stated goal is to help us avoid the experience, in actuality it becomes an over focus on the experience, much of our mental and physical energy goes into warding it off or reacting to it’s presence, thinking about it, worrying, fighting it. In this process we also reinforce the belief of “I can’t handle this.” “I can’t be with this.” “This shouldn’t be happening” and our life becomes about that fight. 

In the process of this push and pull fight, our life may become organized around this. Each push and pull, each reaction also spikes off a physiological stress response, we fight it, we try to flee from it, we collapse in a sense of defeat and exhaustion. We become trapped in a never ending battle within our own selves, fighting our own internal experience, pitting this against that and in essence telling ourselves, our very being, our expression:

“You are wrong, you shouldn’t be doing what you are doing. You should not be having this experience.”

This is a big message. An outright denial of our self, or a part of our self which is connected to the whole. 

“You don’t belong here. You are not welcome here.”

We don’t want to learn to be with this discomfort. We want it gone. It is an intruder and we want it banished. 

In twisted irony, often this very stance of aversion, pushing away, the intense drive to banish can keep the pattern locked into place. We’ve all heard the saying, “what we resist, persists” and yet it can feel almost impossible to get out of this dance.

People often show up in therapy after trying to ignore, push away, banish this “thing” or this multitude of things for a long time. And yet it isn’t working. It’s still there. Or another “thing” has popped up and taken it’s place and they feel stuck.

Now I am all about creating more flow and flexibility and a sense of enjoyment and ease in our lives. I am not a “pain is gain” “suffering is character building” type of gal. Yet, after my own years of strong willed attempts at banishment, of years long battles against myself, what I do know, and I feel I can say that with some deep sense of truth, is that that model just doesn’t work.

I can say, from my own experience and from the experience of people I have had the honor of walking with in their healing processes, that a major change point towards healing is the shift from fighting and running from what is here within, to building the capacity to be with it, whatever is here, with presence and care.

Sounds so simple. And while in one sense it can be, in many ways and for many folks, including myself it was and continues to be simple…but by no means easy. We are asking the body and mind to do the very thing that they are deeply psychologically and even biologically convinced is unbearable. 

That is why we move slowly. We don’t turn right towards the monster. We support, we steady, we build connection and confidence, we put the monster behind a plexiglass wall and move it to the far edges of the universe, we dip our toe into the water of discomfort and then pull it out and find our feet back on solid ground, we watch the ocean from a distance and feel our solidity and then maybe, maybe we put in two toes the next time. 

Each time we practice finding our sense of ground and support, bringing in our own mindful and compassionate presence, our wise witness and then touching into the difficulty with curiosity, care, perhaps even friendliness… we start to lessen the ‘Charge” of this banished part and with each successive connection we build our capacity to be with this “thing” in a new way.

As we see our ability to do this, the monster becomes less scary, we begin to feel a sense of confidence and even connection with this challenge, we may even be able to communicate with this part, restoring the flow of energy and information that has been walled off, we may even find hidden wisdom and learning in this part of us that we had decided was not ok. As we find this increased capacity to be with it, that already is a change. Even if it still includes discomfort, if we feel capable of being with it differently, the discomfort is less of a problem. Often though, in this practice of slow and steady acceptance, allowing, connection and flow, this part, the Monster becomes less loud, less ornery, it no longer has to shout and bang at the wall as we are listening to it now…it’s energy may be less intense or even seem to be used in a different way that may cause less pain or discomfort as we help it find it’s new place in our experience.

In Buddhism there is a powerful concept of “Inviting Mara (the monster) to Tea”.

Building a friendliness, a curiosity, openness, acceptance to that which is already here. 

Not expecting that to happen overnight, but as a practice. 

Building Capacity, to be with the life that is here. 

Stretching our ability, bit by bit, touching into the energy and letting it metabolize in small pieces until it doesn’t look so much like a monster to us anymore, but just another part of our shifting, changing being.