RECLAIMING OUR NO
The Challenge of Saying No
Is it ok for me to say No? Will people be mad at me? Am I bad friend/family member/worker if I say No? Are “Yes and No” the only options available?
These are familiar questions for most of us and perhaps especially for women who have been trained to be “nice girls,” to be helpful, pleasing, to put others before ourselves and to find our worth in how we are useful to others. This desire to care for, help and nurture others is a beautiful quality and I am in no way saying we abandon this compassionate desire to be of service. However, in order to truly be of service to the WHOLE we must also be caring and nurturing ourselves so that we are sustainable and healthy resources. We must tend our own garden and then share from it’s healthy ground versus allowing our internal crops to be trampled and picked over without replenishment .
I used to be terrified to say NO. In fact I think I grew up not even realizing that NO was an option that could come out of my mouth. If someone wanted something of me, I had to give it/do it…(or at least pretend I wanted to and then unconsciously find a myriad of undercover ways to get out of these entrapments). How many times did I actually will myself to get sick or take on extra jobs or even move across the country just to have a justified “reason” to not do something that was being asked of me. The thought of disappointing someone felt intolerable…even dangerous.
This belief that relationships are a zero sum game, with winners and losers…where LOVE = Doing What I Want and saying “NO” equals rejection is too high stakes. It’s not fair and it’s not true. It’s time for a new visioning of needs, of NO, of boundaries.
If we live in this paradigm, then being around other people becomes intolerable. It means, “I can’t be in a relationship and be honest or get my needs met.” We become prisoners to our relationships which often breeds resentment (poison to relationships) or forces us to end/distance in relationships for self-protection.
One of my favorite Uncles, who owns a pawn shop, helped me learn this lesson finally when I witnessed him in action. Someone would hand him their possession they hoped to pawn, he would eyeball it and give the price he was comfortable with paying. They might stand for a bit, making faces, unsure of whether it was worth it for them. My uncle would respond calmly and truthfully, “No, is an acceptable answer.”
Hmmm, “No is an acceptable answer.” I had never heard that! It was ok to say NO. There was no pressure, it was ok to say yes, ok to say no, maybe even negotiate a bit, but no hard feelings if either says NO.
These guidelines are designed for use within the context of caring mutual relationships versus abusive, predatory, or manipulative contexts where safety is a factor. However, the more comfortable we get saying No in general, honoring our own being, sovereignty, and practicing assertive communication in our lives, this muscle will be of use in dealing with the latter category as well as heping us more quickly decipher safe and respectful relationships from manipulative abusive ones based on whether there IS space for our needs and our No’s.
How do we shift our fear of NO?
1. Practice becoming comfortable with others saying NO to us.
Recognize and rewire around NO not being a bad word. Check our own beliefs around this.
If someone says No to me, do I feel rejected, do I decide that they don’t care about me?
Practice giving others permission to say NO without resentment and even thanking them for being honest with you about their desires or what they can and can’t do.
Get curious about and recognize that we were generally trained to see NO as bad, we might have been punished or be considered rude if we said no as children. We also may need to acknowledge that NO may have been dangerous to say in certain situations in our lives and that we may have had to hold back in order to survive. However, if we were teaching our own children now, we would likely want to teach them BOTH to be polite and respectful AND to feel the right to say NO to some things, and negotiate/advocate for their own needs as well in relationships. Not that this is an easy/clear lesson to teach, but we would try.
2. If the request is a clear No for you, let the person know, clearly, quickly, respectfully.
Practice finding wording that feels ok to you. Practice breathing through the feelings that may arise in you and in the other person, knowing that difficult feelings can be uncomfortable, but that they are tolerable and they pass.
Hold in mind that you can care for someone and say NO to them. Hold in mind that if you say YES to this thing you don’t want to do, you are saying NO to something else (whatever you did want/need at that time). Hold in mind that healthy relationships can make space for No’s and if there is no room for NO this is an unfair and untenable expectation. Hold in mind that if you do too many things that you don’t feel comfortable doing you will likely end up feeling resentful and this will negatively impact the relationship anyway.
3. Explore Shades of Grey
There are times in close relationships where it may be important to just fully show up and be there even when it’s hard and you may have to prioritize another person’s need for that moment.
Outside of these types of emergency health/safety/crisis situations, requests do not have to be black and white, Full YES or Full NO. “Can you do this thing I want exactly when I want it, 100% the way I want it” or “Not at All.”
There are a whole range of possibilities that exist in between. When I get a request like this now, these are the steps I go through.
1) Slow it Down: Instead of responding immediately, I let someone know I received their request and give them a sense of when I will get back to them to let them know what I can do.
2) Take some time to check in with myself, sift through my feelings, and reflect on the shades of grey.
“What, if anything do I want to or can do joyfully and without resentment here?”
4. Respond confidently and clearly, if appropriate, highlighting what you can do or clearly stating your truth.
Some ideas of shades of grey responses:
“I would love to go but I am not able to make it this weekend, how about we plan something for next week?”
“I am happy to help out with your move, I am available Sunday from 3-6 PM or I may be able to move things around to be available for several hours in the morning if that’s better”
“I am trying out keeping work hours where I am unavailable for periods of time so I can get into deep focus mode for work, I am wondering if you could help me with this goal?”
“Yes, let’s talk about ways to improve your health, I can talk this Tuesday at 7 pm or Saturday at 12, do either of those work for you?”
“I really need to focus on health right now, would you be up for meeting at a yoga class instead of going for drinks this week, or is there something else active we could do together?”
“I don’t think I will have the space to take that on right now, I am happy to help you think through some other ideas to help address the issue.”
“Part of me really wants to kiss you and part of me wants to wait, I’d like to give this some time”
5. Come from an attitude of honor and respect for both people’s needs:
Your need is important and I want you to have your need met AND my need is important and I want to have my need met. Let’s explore what possible options might support both needs being met. Use this an opportunity to open up to creative ideas, expanding the ways this need can be met rather than seeing it rigidly or as an emergency (when it is not truly one).
This is predicated on us honoring that our own needs are important. Not MORE important than others, but important and to be respected as well.
There are also times when our needs are going to take precedence, when what someone needs or wants from us is not something we can or what to give, and we have to say a firm NO without negotiation, knowing that this person may experience hurt or even anger. This is the hardest type of NO, and one that may require a lot of inner and outer support to state and hold. WE may practice how to give a firm NO with love, even when the person may not receive it that way. Sometimes in the service of our own truth, growth, and healing this is absolutely necessary and we hope that this can be understood by the other, yet we cannot control their reaction.
In these cases it is important to seek support from safe, supportive others as much as we can before and after taking such a stand. Taking time to get clear on our feelings, wants, needs and even practicing/role playing saying NO, tolerating the feelings in yourself and others can help you prepare for this task if you have the time before hand. The fears of saying NO can be deeply ingrained and when someone responds poorly we can be thrown into self-blame, shame, judgment, guilt, fear, doubt, isolation…we can counteract these feelings by sharing our experience and receiving empathy and support, remembering we are not alone.
Practice compassion as you try this out, it is not a perfect science or something to be carried out in an exacting fashion, just something to be curious about and practice expanding the capacity to honor our own needs even in the midst of relationships.
Affirmations / Inquiry Questions:
Your needs matter AND my needs matter
It is ok to have needs and respect the needs of my mind/body/spirit
I can do some things but I can’t do everything
What am I afraid might happen if I say No here? Is there any way I can support myself to feel safer to communicate my feelings/needs?
I can be a part of the solution but I can’t be the entire solution
I am committed to seeking mutually satisfying solutions, where both people’s needs are included
It’s ok to feel disappointment at times and to have others feel disappointment, it is uncomfortable but tolerable
It is ok for me to have needs, desires, and preferences just as it is ok for you to have them
My heart wants to do it all AND I have to accept my human limitations
I need to care for my mind and body so I can be a sustainable resource for myself, my loved ones, my work, and community
I have the right to say no and I give other people the right to say no
It’s ok for me to not want to do things or not feel comfortable with something and that doesn’t mean I don’t care about you
If I say YES to this, what am I then saying NO to?
What can I do joyfully without resentment?
Is there anything that might shift this from a No to a Yes for me?